The First Two Pages of A Tolkien Book

Writers note: as a result of school work piling up I haven’t been able to post and work on projects at the rate I’ve wanted. Seeing as how this short little parody essay is the only writing I’ve been able to work (for school purposes), and some of my peers found it to actually a bit humorous, I’ve decided to post it. Also note that in the essay when I use “I,” I am referring to myself as though I was tolkien speaking to the reader.

Opening that shines a light on the way of life of a race in the universe of the book. Long exposition on the way of life in the village, that could have been slimmed down, but screw it vocabulary acrobatics. Long sentence that seems to go on and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, comma to break it up, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, until it creates an entire paragraph, and in hindsight this really should have been slimmed down to get straight to the point and make to story flow better. However I need to show my linguistic and scholarly capabilities to my readers. Also I just love detail.

More exposition about the world we know nothing about. Instead of gradually revealing information through the plot of the story I’m going to give it to you in these huge chunks, because hey look at this world I created. I created it all by myself, look at my deep and pretty world that no one helped me with. Let me tell you more about this world, because the story is just something that happens, but my world is the real deal.

Did I mention I have a ton of lore? A lot of lore based on Catholicism, because hey I’m catholic. Instead of letting you know about this lore all at once, like I’ve started to do, I’m going to tease you with it until a later time. Making it hard for you to keep all of this excellent lore in your memory. Did I mention that there’s a story in this book?

Let us get back to the story. Oh look it’s Gandalf/Saruman/some other magic user. “Why do we need these characters,” you ask? Well later in the story I need them to go away for a little bit so I can make the characters do something so completely idiotic that even a toddler can tell it was a bad idea, because apparently wizards are the only people in this universe with any sort of intellectual sense. Then have the characters be in a situation where they really should die, because they are trapped and have absolutely no options; only to have the wizard show up out of nowhere and conveniently use their deus-ex machina… I mean magic. At which point you’ll probably be asking “Why did he never use magic before, and why does he continue to not use it after, as a matter of fact why do they not show any magical prowess pretty much ever?” For reasons that why.

Oh yes, I forgot there’s a story! We’re in a kingdom or village; doesn’t really matter who it belongs to, because there’s something we have to do first. First we must cover the backstory and political landscape of the place, as well as its relationship with the other kingdoms. Blah blah blah, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory. Political relationships and feuds that are based on, you guessed it, fictitious racism.
Then some allusion to Sauron and the one ring without ever really mentioning him. Then we have our catalyst to the story. That involves our heroes comfortable life being disrupted by someone claiming to be on their side. Then you are complete with the first two pages of my book. You’re done, go to lunch.

How To Be A Modern Day Writer.

Step one: have zero knowledge of your actual self and the art of writing. This will make you cool and indie, and ensure that you are completely new and have a writing style like no one else. Also refuse to learn anything about the craft, because you aren’t bound by pre-existing rules and notions. No information you read on the subject will apply to you; just to that person and only that person.

Step two: the writing. First, get a cup of coffee. If you don’t like coffee, get a cup of tea. If you don’t like tea, get any hot drink. The drink will make you appear like you’re busy and a deep thinker. Then get a laptop and find a spot to write. Pick a spot that will make you look cool and aloof. Make sure you’re in a public setting, so everyone who is going about their business and are most likely focused on something else, will take notice. After all, your writing is truly a spectacle to witness. Something people will surely desire to ask you about. If you can, make sure you strike an unproductive pose to really sell it to the people.

Step three: think of a story to write about. If you can’t think of anything copy the ideas, tropes, and clichés of whatever medium and genre you’re writing for. Disregard what I said earlier about not adhering to anyone else’s style. What you should do instead is find the most popular author of the genre you’re writing for, and attempt to imitate their style and whatever else you think makes them popular.

Step four: making sure your work is popular. You want your work to be popular, so you should take aspects of pop culture and inject them into your story. So hop on social media websites and take notes of the first things you see. You should also learn what’s popular in all of writing right now and shoehorn it into your work. So as of right now you should make your characters teenagers for no discernible reason. Make sure to make the teen characters angst as all hell too. At this point you’re probably thinking “but none of this is genuinely creative,” and you’d be right! During your entire writing process you should have absolutely zero self-awareness of your work, and forget that you’re just copying tired out devices that have been done thousands of times before. That way you’ll stay on that smug high you have going.

Step five: your characters. Since you’re new, go ahead make all of your characters have the same exact personality. Better yet, give them personalities so two-dimensional they might as well be cardboard. To garnish it all off make sure that every single word that comes out every character’s mouth is 100 percent corny and sappy. Make sure your characters have edgy and intense names like James Heat, or Snow Carter.

Step six: fix all the misspellings, and only that. Everything you wrote down is raw, powerful, and perfectly fits yourself, your story, tone, writing style, and requires no editing whatsoever. If you send your work to be reviewed, and someone finds something they think you need to fix; simply ignore them because they don’t understand your vision.

Step seven: post your work, or work in progress, for the world to view. Your ego should be fully erect and throbbing at this point. Now that you’ve posted your work you’ll have a small group of likeminded people that are ready to fellate you and your work every step of the way.

Step eight: now that you’re in the full swing of things, it’s time for probably the most important aspect; handling criticism. Now let’s say you receive two messages; one hateful and negative, the other, negative yet constructive. How should you react to each of them? That’s a trick question; you should react the exact same way. Inappropriately and immaturely of course. Even if the criticism is constructive, you should take everything in both messages as insulting and take it to heart. Here are a few examples of things you should say in response:
“I don’t see you doing any better.”
“You just don’t understand my writing.”
“You don’t really get it.”
“I can write whatever I want.”
“I don’t remember asking you for your opinion.”
“If I wanted your opinion I would have asked for it.”
Or my personal favorite:
“It must be sad being a troll.”
Then go about writing the rest of your novel or what have you.

Final step: get published. Now you’re officially a modern day author. It’s at this point that you realize that your book isn’t doing all that well; and perhaps you’re not as good of a writer as you thought you were. At this point you should also yank your head out of your ass, and start to actually work on your skill.

(It should be noted that pretty much everything in this article is satire, and the only thing that should be taken seriously are the deeper messages. Except for that very last sentence, that applies to all new writers.)