The First Two Pages of A Tolkien Book

Writers note: as a result of school work piling up I haven’t been able to post and work on projects at the rate I’ve wanted. Seeing as how this short little parody essay is the only writing I’ve been able to work (for school purposes), and some of my peers found it to actually a bit humorous, I’ve decided to post it. Also note that in the essay when I use “I,” I am referring to myself as though I was tolkien speaking to the reader.

Opening that shines a light on the way of life of a race in the universe of the book. Long exposition on the way of life in the village, that could have been slimmed down, but screw it vocabulary acrobatics. Long sentence that seems to go on and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, comma to break it up, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, until it creates an entire paragraph, and in hindsight this really should have been slimmed down to get straight to the point and make to story flow better. However I need to show my linguistic and scholarly capabilities to my readers. Also I just love detail.

More exposition about the world we know nothing about. Instead of gradually revealing information through the plot of the story I’m going to give it to you in these huge chunks, because hey look at this world I created. I created it all by myself, look at my deep and pretty world that no one helped me with. Let me tell you more about this world, because the story is just something that happens, but my world is the real deal.

Did I mention I have a ton of lore? A lot of lore based on Catholicism, because hey I’m catholic. Instead of letting you know about this lore all at once, like I’ve started to do, I’m going to tease you with it until a later time. Making it hard for you to keep all of this excellent lore in your memory. Did I mention that there’s a story in this book?

Let us get back to the story. Oh look it’s Gandalf/Saruman/some other magic user. “Why do we need these characters,” you ask? Well later in the story I need them to go away for a little bit so I can make the characters do something so completely idiotic that even a toddler can tell it was a bad idea, because apparently wizards are the only people in this universe with any sort of intellectual sense. Then have the characters be in a situation where they really should die, because they are trapped and have absolutely no options; only to have the wizard show up out of nowhere and conveniently use their deus-ex machina… I mean magic. At which point you’ll probably be asking “Why did he never use magic before, and why does he continue to not use it after, as a matter of fact why do they not show any magical prowess pretty much ever?” For reasons that why.

Oh yes, I forgot there’s a story! We’re in a kingdom or village; doesn’t really matter who it belongs to, because there’s something we have to do first. First we must cover the backstory and political landscape of the place, as well as its relationship with the other kingdoms. Blah blah blah, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory, backstory. Political relationships and feuds that are based on, you guessed it, fictitious racism.
Then some allusion to Sauron and the one ring without ever really mentioning him. Then we have our catalyst to the story. That involves our heroes comfortable life being disrupted by someone claiming to be on their side. Then you are complete with the first two pages of my book. You’re done, go to lunch.

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