A Lonely Valentine’s Day Poem

Considering it’s Valentine’s Day, and I haven’t posted anything in a long time; I felt the need to make something now. Now I could write an essay about how love is crucial to life, and its importance in today’s world, and all of it would be true; except that’s not me (usually). So instead enjoy a collection of short, satirical, lonely, Valentine’s Day poem. Enjoy! Unless you’re alone like me… well enjoy anyway.

I would prefer it if you were a female.
I don’t care, I’m just waiting for the chocolate to go on sale.

While you’ll be in a carriage being carried with him.
I’ll be busy getting married… in Skyrim.

While I’m sure your Valentines Day will be filled with lovely moods and won’t be tragic.
I’ll be spending mine with two other dudes… playing Magic (the gathering).

Today you’ll be spending time with your significant other and getting your endorphin fix.
Today I’ll be stuffing my face with my one true love… Netflix.

I see this lovely couple cuddling underneath a weeping willow.
I wonder if it’s too late to invest in a hug pillow.

Today you’ll be giving your significant other sparkling pearls.
While I’ll be busy clicking my mouse and talking to anime girls.

Look at you reciting a poem about how much you love her.
Now look at me scrolling through my dash on Tumblr.

Late this night, when you’re with your lover, and you’re plowing them from behind.
I’ll be on my couch, in my underwear, watching Adventure Time.

I know today you’ll be gifting your favorite person their favorite candy.
I, on the other hand, will be spending all day with my favorite person… Left Handy.

The air on Valentine’s Day is filled with people experiencing the love and wonderful sensations.
While the air in my room is filled with the sound of castrating masturbation.


Internet sayings translated

“Can we please stop talking about this?”
Translation: “I don’t care about this thing that all of you care about, so please tailor your interests and world around only what I believe to be true and care about.”
Translation two: “I don’t believe in this thing that everyone is talking about, so I’m gonna say something that will make me seem like the smart adult talking down to a bunch of kids.”

“You need to be more objective.”
Translation: “I disagree with your opinion, but I don’t actually have a sound argument; so I’m going to say something that sounds like an intellectual critique of your opinion.”
Translation two: “I don’t like this thing that you said and if I say this it’ll make the big bad boogeyman of reality go away la, la, la, la!”
A common cry from people that get angry over an opinion they disagree with, and also have no idea what the words opinion and objective mean.

“If you don’t like (this thing) don’t (insert action) it.”
Translation: “I feel insulted by this opinion/critique of this thing I like, even though it was about the thing and not about the fans, and made no mention of me personally.”

Translation: “person with a left leaning opinion I disagree with.” This “insult” has become so overused, and used so indiscriminately, that it has essentially lost all meaning.

“I’m just going to leave this here:”
Translation: “I’m too lazy to learn this argument that I agree with, or express this idea, so I’m going to let this person/thing do it for me.”

“You’re allowed to be wrong/stupid.”
Translation: “I’m completely, totally, 100 percent correct in what I think so I’m going to say this to make you look like the stupid one and end this debate.” This is quite possibly the most pretentious a phrase you can only really say to people from the comfort of the anonymity on the internet, because saying this in real life would most likely result in you getting popped right in the lip.

Translation: “I’m going to say the most offensive thing I can think of relating to this topic, but as long as I follow it up with this I’m totally exempt from any backlash or consequences.”
Translation two: “I’m going to say this at the end of a sentence to mean the most offensive thing.”

“This person I know (insert thing that this one particular person said/ did/ thinks that doesn’t agree with the person they’re arguing against).”
Translation: “your entire argument is invalid, because this one individual that happens to belong to the group you’re mentioning does this one thing that’s contradictory to the desire of a large group of people.”

“Just sayin’”
Translation: “I’ve run out arguments so I’m going to say this at the end of something that I think is totally inarguable.”